Even if, Even when...

a personal note for the broken, the weary or those who feel lost

It was a sunny Tuesday in March, the day this story begins, the day my life begins to unravel and the day this story begins to write itself on me.

Worry has always lived inside of me. For years I called it stress, because it strangely seemed braver calling it that. No matter the name, it’s been an unwelcome guest who made itself at home inside of me for as long as I can remember. I can’t say I’ve always known what it was. In fact, for many years it took a variety of forms.

At six, it led me to hide under our dining room table afraid because I didn’t know my A, B, C’s and I thought I would get in trouble. By the time I was fourteen, I was numbing myself in so many broken ways to relieve the pain inside my chest. And when Joe and I exchanged vows, I was a mere twenty year old with the wounds of someone much older. I hid the ugly things done to me, my past struggles, the secrets of an eating disorder; all the lies, the mistakes, the dreams, the fears – all of them I hid underneath my shame where the fear of being known was the scariest thing of all. Burying my past was all I knew because somehow there in my hiding, I felt sheltered from any further wounding and pain.

Thirty years and one day later, worry suddenly surfaced with the arrival of the dreaded “c” word and the wounds I housed for years suddenly resurfaced. When Joe was diagnosed with cancer no one could truly tell me everything was going to be okay. The weight of worry weighed heavily as I stood beside him with nothing to say. What can you say to someone who’s just been told there’s something spreading inside of them?

There’s not one of us who hasn’t stood across from a hurting person and struggled to find a good thing to say, it’s the complexity of wanting to care and yet not knowing how to. I’ve found in these moments it’s best to let your presence speak the loudest. Because there will come a time when each one of us needs someone to steady us. That’s who I wanted to be for Joe, but I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know how.

Worry has a way of doing this when life feels uncertain. It sneaks in and sabotages our thoughts and overwhelms our hearts until we don’t know the way through.

Later that night as Joe was writing a text to our kids, I blurted out – “Tell them we are choosing worship over worry.” Just speaking the words did something inside of me. Because if I'm honest I was struggling to know if God would really see me through or would he leave me to find my own way?
I had just lost both of my parents and the thought of losing Joe was really getting to me. That’s the thing about facing hard things one right after the other, it’s easy to forget your way.

This was one of our nightly walks where we reminded each other of God’s faithfulness to us.

I am a minister’s wife, a weathered mom to four grown sons. I don’t possess any special degrees or titles that follow my name and although I’ve spent years studying under professors, Bible scholars and evangelists and even though I know the churchy answers to say when someone’s hurting - I didn’t have the words this time.

I was certain these things that break us into a thousand pieces would have a way of putting us back together differently. But maybe that’s the point of it all. Maybe it’s about learning the way back to the One who heals us, and makes everything new. Because as we all know by now, life even after a pandemic doesn’t go back to the way it was before, and neither do we.

I’ve changed. My life has changed. And I’m a different person than I used to be; yet the angst and stress, which sent me hiding as a little girl, could still send me taking cover even now. It’s a strange thing to learn that the same heart, which lived inside of that six-year-old girl, still lives inside of me now as a grown woman.With all of the brokenness and bruises, it’s all kin to the same person.

It would be a gritty dare to trust God a thousand times over every day in a million different ways.

As I sat in the afternoon sun the next day I opened my Bible; I needed it to speak to me. I was feeling the years of unhealed anxiety weighing me down and I needed a fresh word to see me through. My thoughts seemed to be fixating on the aggressive disease growing inside of Joe and I needed an eternal distraction. As I fell into the story of Jehoshaphat - I let the words wraparound me like a covering, a gentle reminder that God saw me and he knew me. Here was a godly King who in the face of a brutal attack surprisingly chose to do the most impossible thing, he appointed men not to lead his army with swords but by singing songs of praise.

There it was again.

I looked back at the text and underlined it in black ink.

Could worship really be this powerful?

This common theme seemed to be tracking with me.

Could worship truly be a means in overcoming worry?

Anxiety and fear have felt as if they’ve always been a part of my DNA. Could this be my way to break free from them?

I reeled the story further - Jehoshaphat, in the height of fear chose to trust God. How could a heart full of worry find this kind of trust?

The answer was right there - On the morning of the attack, Jehoshaphat told his people “Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld…” Jehoshaphat knew that no matter what happened, even if and even when his worst fears came true – he would still have God. Jehoshaphat’s response was both bold and courageous. His declaration reflected his commitment of faith; no matter how hard things grew, he would worship God.

Is this how we invite God to participate in our battle?
To trust him despite what might come.
That was it - the very place trust and worship collide is in the acceptance of whatever happens (trust), and the affirmation (worship) of who he is.

I read this story for days, encircling every oneness of trust and worship. And like Jehoshaphat, right there in the middle of our struggle, we found ourselves choosing worship as the way to war off our worry.

This was it; we would live, always ready, regardless of what came. Always keeping eternity before us.

An Early Christmas Gift!

If you struggle with anxiety or worry download my free 10 Day Guided Journal as a gift from me to you!

Love & Blessings,

Ruthann xo