my dad

(reflections on letting go and living without)

Mar 02, 2023

Today marks five years since my dad died.
Five years without him to call and share good news with.
Five years without him to share the painfully hard with.
There’s a strange feeling when you’re parents depart this place. A feeling as if you’re alone and orphaned. I didn’t expect this. I’m not sure what I thought it would be like, but it wasn’t this.

My dad and I weren’t always close. In fact there was a time I truly didn’t like him. I’m not sure what drove me to this but it was a strong distaste for him and it troubled me. I was only twelve, but it bothered me so much that I prayed about it. Which to some may seem only logical but for me it was clunky and new. I hadn’t grown up in a habit of praying and I honestly wasn’t even sure I should admit my feelings to God. After all my idea of God was lofty and aloof, and one who only cared for perfection. So, the idea that I would admit my feelings for my dad to him was a new thing, but I was desperate. I’m a peacemaker at heart and didn’t want anything between us. I wanted to be loved by him and I wanted to authentic in return.

The beautiful thing with this is God graciously changed my animosity for my dad into a place where I liked him, and eventually that became a deep love for him. It’s funny how this can happen. How can God take something so distinct, something so strong and change it into something absolutely beautiful, but he did.

My dad and I grew over the years in our love for God and in our relationship too so much that when he breathed his last breath it was here in this room where I am typing these words. In those last weeks and days we talked about heaven, angels and how he felt about meeting God. We talked extensively about Psalm 91, the Scripture that had carried him through the past three years, which my mom had been gone from him. We unexpectedly lost my mom and my dad was learning to walk again. It was lonely and hard for him, but he found peace and a new way of walking with God and these verses in this Psalm were pivotal in this process. He fell upon these verse the very morning, which my mom would later leave us and he read them every day until he couldn’t so we read them together.

Perhaps, they brought him comfort to know God was with him and that he could trust him. Whatever it was that kept him close to those words it was obvious that he knew where the shadow of the Almighty was and it was there that he wanted to remain. He knew that those who rested beside God would be shielded by him. God’s shade was relief on the unbearably hard days and he was his refuge through the difficult stormy days too. My dad knew that communion with God meant safety. And those close to dad experienced this too. The more he clung onto God the more confident he became. He knew where he was going and when it came time to let go of all of us and to leave the life he had here, he was able to release us into the hands of God and join him in heaven.

No amount of security, wealth, no promise of danger or absence of fear can give us the security we find in the promises of God. Psalm 91 reminds us that when we rely upon him and make him our place of rest during the dangers, difficulties and disappointments of life - we will find peace in his presence. And it’s here that I am finding rest too. You see, these verses are just as applicable for those enduring the loss of a loved one as for the one which departs us. You see, this is the amazing thing about God - he meets each one of us exactly where we are. So, I leave you with these words - may they be so!

Psalm 91

¹Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
²I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

³Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹²they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

A Few of my Favorites!

Here are a few of my favorite things right now that are bringing me healing + joy!

a resource for lent: (for those looking for a different rhythm)

I am currently going through this book for lent. As always it is leading me to pause + reflect during this season.
Prayer: 40 Days of Practice by Justin McRoberts & Scott Erickson

a book:

This book has me undone right now! I love the way Kate Bowler uses humor amidst deep suffering to show us there is ‘no cure for being human’. Such a great read. I am halfway through its pages and am loving it!